Untangling the knots of my life

I am 26 years old, almost 27, and I’m still at a loss as to how I should move on with my life.

There is this constant pressure surrounding me, forcing me to act in a certain way, whether I like it or not. It doesn’t matter if it’s from family, friends or mere acquaintances, this pressure will still influence my decisions, and my lack of self-confidence is mostly to blame. The problem is that I’ve spent all my life taking decisions to please other people and now I’ve reached a point where I don’t even know what my own opinions really are. Am I choosing this road because I want to or because it will please my family? What will my friends think if I do this? Even something as simple as buying a dress, my thoughts will still focus on whether other people will approve of it instead of whether I like it or not. And I hate myself for it.

I’ve always suffered from low self-esteem. Couple that with crippling anxiety and perpetual fear of change and you will end up with a tangled mess of bad decisions and unfulfilled dreams. Recently I’ve been trying to get to know myself better, read my emotions with more perceptive eyes and give myself time to grow and take chances. But it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. All I’ve learnt is that I’m a complete and utter mess.

Why am I writing all this?

Because I’ve had a particularly bad day and venting my emotions in streams of tears and endless cups of tea was not enough to assuage my feelings. Maybe writing things down will help…I hope.

I guess my job is the source of all this turmoil. Work has become extremely stressful and exhausting, both mentally and emotionally. I meet with a vast number of people every day, who quite often confide in me their problems, some of which are harrowing and heart-breaking, and this alone already takes its toll on me at the end of the day. Then there’s the usual work-related stresses: increased work-load, pressure from your superiors and last but not least, not being allowed to take a day off when you want to. The latter has been the latest of many struggles I’ve been trying to deal with. I’ve reached a point where I’m starting to hate my job and I don’t know if it’s because of the current problems or because I truly detest it. Then my thoughts will start to spiral and anxiety takes over: I want to quit….but I can’t quit because I need the money to get my own place…and what will I do instead? My degree only allows me to work in this profession…ergo I can’t quit my job, which means I’m going to spend the rest of my life in perpetual despair. It’s a vicious circle.

I really don’t know where I’m going with this. I guess I wanted to write some of my thoughts as a way for me to understand my situation better. What do I really want to do in my life? Truthfully, my goals are not overambitious. I want simplicity, excitement and laughter. I want to read as many books as I can, spend time in nature and drink coffee on a cold winter day. I want to study history and philosophy, continue drawing and painting and discover new places. And what does society wants me to do? Work longer hours, beyond my strength and capacity because if I don’t, people will call me lazy. Buy the latest thing on the market even if I don’t need it. Get a driver’s license because how could I not? These are just a few examples that I’m constantly battling with.

Why is a person who seeks simplicity always looked down upon and treated with disdain? Am I doing something wrong? Is something wrong with me? I don’t have anything against ambitious people. In fact I truly admire their unwavering purpose in life and how they do not hesitate when opportunities arise. I wish I had just an atom of their courage to move forward and do my own thing, not other peoples’. It’s just that right now I feel like I’m at a complete standstill. I feel useless and without any purpose. It may be just another bad day or an accumulation of them.

I apologise for this long and tedious post but at least I feel a tad better having put my feelings into words. I do want to move forward, but in my own way. I guess ultimately what matters is the process and the things that I learn along the way and not the end stage. Hopefully my mind will calm down just enough for me to focus on the things that truly count and stop creating situations in my head for me to worry about. It is difficult…but I will try. Thank you for reading x

6 thoughts on “Untangling the knots of my life

  1. I really did enjoy reading your post. It has all of my feelings written on it. I have always been the daughter who obeys the rules. I never choose a decision that is me, that is what I want. It sucks being like that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I understand ❤ It's really difficult to detach yourself from other people's opinions, especially from those who have a great influence on you. I keep asking myself if what I'm choosing is what I really want/need and quite truthfully, I can never provide a proper answer. I truly hope things get better for you and that you'll be able to choose the path that you truly want ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s so nice, I went through the days where I cried into my pillows. I fee your pain. Every sentence you wrote is like straight from my heart.
    Keep writing and find a place where you can let out your emotions and become serene.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my God, it is like you put my thoughts into words! Tbh, this adulting thing is lot stressful that I thought it would be! It is really a constant battle of what you really want to do and what will make other people pleased, especially the parents – coupled with quarter life crisis and the anxiety this brings. And when you said that you have made decisions to please other people and now you don’t even know what you really want, I felt that. It’s like I always go back to square one, still trying to figure out who I really am. It’s hard, no? Hope things will get better for you, for us, for the people who feel the same way. Cheers to genuine happiness!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It honestly helps to know that I’m not alone although I truly hope that life gets easier for you because it sucks right?! We’re constantly being influenced by other people so it’s very difficult to separate their opinions with your own. I hope you find the courage to do the things that make you happy 🙂

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s