I am 26 years old, almost 27, and I’m still at a loss as to how I should move on with my life.
There is this constant pressure surrounding me, forcing me to act in a certain way, whether I like it or not. It doesn’t matter if it’s from family, friends or mere acquaintances, this pressure will still influence my decisions, and my lack of self-confidence is mostly to blame. The problem is that I’ve spent all my life taking decisions to please other people and now I’ve reached a point where I don’t even know what my own opinions really are. Am I choosing this road because I want to or because it will please my family? What will my friends think if I do this? Even something as simple as buying a dress, my thoughts will still focus on whether other people will approve of it instead of whether I like it or not. And I hate myself for it.
I’ve always suffered from low self-esteem. Couple that with crippling anxiety and perpetual fear of change and you will end up with a tangled mess of bad decisions and unfulfilled dreams. Recently I’ve been trying to get to know myself better, read my emotions with more perceptive eyes and give myself time to grow and take chances. But it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. All I’ve learnt is that I’m a complete and utter mess.
Why am I writing all this?
Because I’ve had a particularly bad day and venting my emotions in streams of tears and endless cups of tea was not enough to assuage my feelings. Maybe writing things down will help…I hope.
I guess my job is the source of all this turmoil. Work has become extremely stressful and exhausting, both mentally and emotionally. I meet with a vast number of people every day, who quite often confide in me their problems, some of which are harrowing and heart-breaking, and this alone already takes its toll on me at the end of the day. Couple that with the pressure of having to confer bad news to a patient and feeling utterly helpless as you watch the despair flooding their faces. The latter has been the latest of many struggles I’ve been trying to deal with. I’ve reached a point where I’m starting to hate my job and I don’t know if it’s because of the current problems or because I truly detest it. Then my thoughts will start to spiral and anxiety takes over: I want to quit….but I can’t quit because I need the money to get my own place…and what will I do instead? My degree only allows me to work in this profession…ergo I can’t quit my job, which means I’m going to spend the rest of my life in perpetual despair. It’s a vicious circle.
I really don’t know where I’m going with this. I guess I wanted to write some of my thoughts as a way for me to understand my situation better. What do I really want to do in my life? Truthfully, my goals are not overambitious. I want simplicity, excitement and laughter. I want to read as many books as I can, spend time in nature and drink coffee on a cold winter day. I want to study history and philosophy, continue drawing and painting and discover new places. And what does society wants me to do? Work longer hours, beyond my strength and capacity because if I don’t, people will call me lazy. Buy the latest thing on the market even if I don’t need it. Get a driver’s license because how could I not? These are just a few examples that I’m constantly battling with.
Why is a person who seeks simplicity always looked down upon and treated with disdain? Am I doing something wrong? Is something wrong with me? I don’t have anything against ambitious people. In fact I truly admire their unwavering purpose in life and how they do not hesitate when opportunities arise. I wish I had just an atom of their courage to move forward and do my own thing, not other peoples’. It’s just that right now I feel like I’m at a complete standstill. I feel useless and without any purpose. It may be just another bad day or an accumulation of them.
I apologise for this long and tedious post but at least I feel a tad better having put my feelings into words. I do want to move forward, but in my own way. I guess ultimately what matters is the process and the things that I learn along the way and not the end stage. Hopefully my mind will calm down just enough for me to focus on the things that truly count and stop creating situations in my head for me to worry about. It is difficult…but I will try. Thank you for reading x